Mad Men: Beating Off A Dry Spell March 2, 2010

Some writer who is likely both handsome and charming wrote this under the Mad Men banner for Humour over at The Peak.

The dry spell: an unfortunate state for any virile young Mad Man to live in. Maybe serial macking has fished your local pond to nookie extinction, or perhaps you’re momentarily sidelined by a bowl-cut or problems of a crustacean sort.

Mad Men is here for you.

Together, we are going to beat this curse of forced celibacy with candor, compassion, and copious self-love. We’re all in this together, just as long as we don’t have to, you know . . . talk about it. Don’t be weird, bro. Just follow this easy four-step program to and we’ll have you eating like a king again in no time.

Step One: Assess the situation

Loneliness status: “I like me”

This isn’t so bad, is it? A little introspection and self-analysis never hurt anyone. You’ll likely be strapped with a woman for most of your adult life, so maybe a little alone time is valuable. You could start your novel, read War & Peace, even take up hot yoga. Without clam, the world is your oyster. You’ll likely have more money, too. Spend it on yourself! Buy a nice shirt, perhaps something Ed Hardy or Members Only. Take care of you. Just don’t Nair anything below your belly button.

Step Two: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it

Loneliness status: “I should call an ex and have sexual intercourse today”

That was a harrowing half-hour, now wasn’t it? Now that you are good and in tune with your inner man, it’s time to bust out your giant black book and awaken some latent feelings! Call up a few ex-girlfriends. Start with “I’ve been thinking a lot lately,” and improvise from there. It’s not lying if you performed Step One. If this works out for you, good job, you’re done. Pass Go and collect $200. Hopefully you don’t have to spend it on the morning-after pill.

Step Three: Know your surroundings

Loneliness status: “I wonder if they still make those Tamagotchi things”

If you didn’t sow the seeds for a regretful little tryst in the past, it just takes a little MacGyver-inspired ingenuity to grant sexual independence. Have a few bananas? Enjoy the fruit, and then enjoy the skin. Evolution (or other, perhaps?) successfully made nature’s Fleshlight. Try using the microwave to improve the sensation, but have the burn unit on standby. A little moisturizer and a Ziploc freezer bag with your living-room couch can make a handy companion as well, and you’ll never look at a chesterfield the same way again. That little micro-suede minx.

Step Four: Go get laid

Loneliness status: “I wish my dog would stop giving me those bedroom eyes”

Like any affliction, the easiest way out is a cure. The desert-like dry spell has only one cure: a little moisture! This provides the perfect environment to try out some new approaches. Use less starch in your collar. Head-butt fewer boyfriends. Shower a few times a week. Take steps to make yourself irresistible, like becoming a T.A. or head of state. An old standby is to hang out around art schools with law textbooks open in front of you. The pond becomes a barrel, and it will be brimming with copic markers, Warhol prints, and the finest salmon. Time to take out your Deagle, you animal.

With these easy steps, you can be sure that your love muscle never atrophies. Be sure to archive them in case you end up married.